So this summer my buddy’s dad died. It sucked pretty hard for all of us (more for him, but in general no one was too stoked by the turn of events). Anyway, beyond getting hammered and having a poorly timed (yet wildy fun) pool party, the weekend taught us several lessons on funeral etiquette.
Rule #1: Show up on time. Yup, that’s a biggie. Showing up late for a funeral is pretty much one of the most selfish things you can do; like seriously, what the hell were you doing that couldn’t wait? Had to get in one more episode of True Blood? Wandering in 20 minutes late then eye-balling each row to see if there’s someone you know pretty much guarantee’s you a first round entry in the d-bag hall of fame.
*Side note*: Would it be ironic if Pete Rose was banned from the D-bag hall of fame too? Would he get banned for betting on funerals? Why would he even want to get in?
Rule #2: Don’t bring your “too young to get it” kids. Seriously, unless you’re trying to teach them a lesson about death (which let’s face it, is pretty messed up) then don’t bring them to a funeral. They really have no idea what’s going on, and are usually too preoccupied with the ceiling fan or their ill-fitting dress pants to really absorb the seriousness of the event. And guess what, you’re going to have to tell Jr. to sit still or stop playing angry birds while I’m trying to get my cry on, so let’s just skip the whole ordeal and get a babysitter. Paying your 13 year old neighbor $9 and granting them unlimited access to the pizza-pops in the freezer ain’t gonna break the bank.
Rule #3: See that package of Kleenex on your chair; open it now; not 10 minutes from now while we’re all staring at our shoes and feeling like shit; it’s taken me a long time to get to this place and if you ruin it for me with your crinkly plastic I’m going to be pissed.
Rule #4: Can’t hear? Too bad. Asking the person next to you what you missed is just not happening. Want to know what was said? Here’s a spoiler alert; it was probably something about the fact that my friends’ dad just died. Keep up.
Rule #5: This is the hardest one to do; try not to act like it’s a high school reunion at the reception afterwards. There’s food out, a bunch of friends you haven’t seen in a while, and the opportunity to go out and really get hammered; all the makings of a classic night. But guess what, you’re at a funeral, so keep an even keel, and ease up on the throttle.
So that’s what on our minds at funerals; we want to pay respect, and we do that by shutting up and staring at our shoes. This isn’t an urban showing of How She Move, so stop throwing popcorn at the screen and get with the program.