Ever wondered what would happen if your favourite TV show characters were instead local TV personalities? No?
Oh. Well we have. Here are our picks to fill out the day’s programming lineup.
Hosts: Tom Haverford (Parks and Recreation), Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights).
The perfect blend of perky morning energy (Haverford) and warm motherly love (Mrs. Coach). Tom knows fashion, products, and the local social scene like no other. Mrs. Coach can handle the personal stories, family tips, and occasional heart-wrenching interview. Bonus: pre-filmed segments involving morning show intern Jean-Ralphio.
Weather Man: Jerry Gergich (Parks and Recreation)
Another Parks and Rec member on the morning show, but how could you not give this job to Jerry? Bonus: Tom Haverford ragging on him every time he predicts the wrong weather.
Mid-Morning Female Talk Show (think The View)
Hosts: Sherry Palmer (24), Jenna Maroney (30 Rock), Lucille Bluth (Arrested Development), Donna Meagle (Parks and Recreation)
Jenna Maroney’s flair for the dramatic, desperate need for attention, and musical talent make a perfect target for a drunk and angry Lucille Bluth’s remarks about her weight, talent, and ageing. Donna fills the Star Jones role and can be counted on for the excellent “Treat Yo’ Self” outtakes. Sherry Palmer takes the lead as the Barbara Walters role, handling the serious issues and guiding discussion. However, her behind the scenes cunning, double-crossing and evil lead incredible on-air arguments between the rest of the cast.
Home Decorating Show
Host: Carrie Mathison (Homeland)
Have you seen what she can do with a high-lighter and paper? Imaging what she could do with a budget.
Afternoon Medical Advice Show
Hosts: Dr. Tobias Fünke (Arrested Development), Dr. Leo Spacemen (30 Rock)
There’s really no debate here. Bonus: A race to see whose advice kills someone first!
Afternoon Trashy Talk Show (think Maury)
Host: Kenny Powers (Eastbound & Down)
Kenny would be a great talk show host; he always knows the right thing to say. Stevie would be the perfect sidekick as well. We place Kenny in the afternoon, not late night, because afternoon talk shows should really be mostly about paternity tests, right up Kenny’s alley. In an interesting twist, most of the paternity tests would actually be to determine if Kenny is the father.
Evening News Show
Anchors: Jack Donaghy (30 Rock), Betty Draper-Francis (Mad Men)
Again, there should be no debate about Donaghy; there is no finer a head of hair on television. Leslie Knope (Parks and Recreation) would appear a more obvious counterpart to deliver the news, but I’m going in a more interesting direction. Betty’s vacant stares, lack of compassion, and weight fluctuations would make for fascinating viewing delivering the day’s events.
Sports Commentator/Talking Heads: Senator Clay Davis (The Wire)
Davis wins the job because of this, he is especially suited for perpetual losing markets, like Cleveland.
Business Analyst: Stringer Bell (The Wire)
I heard the incomparable String took a few night school business courses. He definitely knows how the ins and outs of the marketplace, and he is very well dressed.
Political Correspondent: Saul Berenson (Homeland)
A Wolf Blitzer-type, he can furrow his brow over the day’s political intrigue with the best of them.
Local Correspondent: Dean Craig Pelton (Community)
He’s got an outfit to fit in with every local celebration and an incredible amount of community spirit. Perfect for taking to the streets and finding out what’s going on around town.
Late Night Show
Host: Michael Scott (The Office)
Michael Scott loves bad jokes, is slightly out of touch with current trends, and willing to make an ass of himself in the name of entertainment. Perfect for the late night circuit.
House Band: MouseRat (Parks and Recreation)
MouseRat narrowly edges out Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution (Arrested Development) and Crucifictorious (Friday Night Lights). Bonus: Andy Dwyer would be a great sidekick for a late night talk show.
Middle of the Night Infomercials
Jesse Pinkman (Breaking Bad)
With pitches like this, Jesse could sell anything. Watch out, Slap Chop/ShamWow guy.
So there you have it, you can sleep easy tonight knowing that we have successfully answered this most pressing of questions. Tomorrow: what life would be like if everyone was suddenly shrunk, like in Honey I shrunk the Kids.