The Olympics. They only happen once every 4 years. Why? That’s simple. 1). They take a tremendous amount of money, planning and organization to host. 2) If they had them every year, it wouldn’t be all that exciting and memorable. This is what sets the Olympic Games apart. Everyone trains and competes at different stages and levels, all leading up to the summit.
Stop for a moment.
Think about these obnoxious statements, only now, insert the word “Christmas” for “Olympics”.
It all connects: The planning. The money. Organizing. The controversy. The blood doping. Etc.
The only difference: We celebrate CHRISTMAS EVERY DAMN YEAR!
Like the Olympics, every Christmas requires an absurd amount of planning, travel, finances and stress. Every year we somehow pull it off. But as time goes on, it’s just not that special, the lustre tarnished more-and-more by another dinner table blow-up or a drunken-knocked-over-Christmas tree incident. It leaves a lot of us asking the question: why are we doing this again, year-after-year?
Here’s what I propose: Olympic Christmas.
All we have to do is align Christmas with Winter Olympic years. Sweet Jesus! Some place in Siberia is hosting them this year! Great, let’s start now!
Here’s the logic: During Olympic Christmas years you go big! The feast is massive. No travel is too great. That new microwave that Uncle Dave needs is not even a question (Ed. note: Who is this Uncle Dave, and how does he desperately need a microwave in 2013?). When your whiskey glass splashes we all laugh heartily as you fill it again. Basically, it’s a “say yes” mentality once every four years, instead of every single goddamned year.
Here’s the beauty: during those 3 “off years” from Christmas you can recover. If you want to sit at home and wallow, not drive hungover through blizzards to bring shitty, meaningless gifts to the friends/relatives who you just saw a few weeks ago at Thanksgiving, then you sit at home and wallow. If you want a tropical vacation away from everything/everyone, you do it. If money is tight, then you eat canned beans and save your skrilla. Don’t want to get trampled on Black Friday? Then get on the bandwagon, stupid!
Another problem with Christmas every year is that you run out of decent gifts to get people. The spirit of giving is diluted to the point where you just buy them shit because you feel obligated. And now that we all know how Pope Francis feels about commercialism, the rest of us should really listen up.
Most of all, Christmas brings me little to no excitement anymore. That excitement is fundamentally replaced with a divine collection of deeply foreboding stressors. By comparison, the Olympics always brings me excitement, especially leading up to it. Once the games begin, stress is often replaced with drunken “Crosby scores in OT” joy. YES! OLYMPIC CHRISTMAS WINS!
What these three “off years” from Christmas will all amount to:
- You’ll actually be excited about Christmas. Ah-hem: its OLYMPIC CHRISTMAS YEAR!!! Everyone gets new flat-screens! My treat!
- You [probably] wont be as financially strapped.
- You’ll have time to think of, prepare, afford and offer up some legit gifts. And maybe even find something your loved ones need.
- There will probably be a drop in diabetes because of all this.
- This final point is my own little master stroke. No matter where you live or what holiday you recognize, any gift in the form of Olympic Team gear would effing slay [sorry Santa, no pun intended]. And think, over time you and your fam will accumulate awesome swag from each Olympic Christmas year that can be brought out as part of the Olympic Christmas nostalgia. Remember those sweet Calgary '88 Addidas track suits? Or the Nagano floppy red newsies caps [think Ross Rebagliati]? or even the dreaded Vancouver mittens? YES! Behold the miracle: THE FIRST OLYMPIC CHRISTMAS TRADITION IS BORN!
Sadly, some might say, “…but Grandma isn’t doing so hot, what if this is her last Christmas? We should all be with her…” To which Olympic Christmas-ers reply: “ …Grandma was gonna die at some point anyways, but she would def keep that blood from clotting if it was an Olympic Christmas year! See you next Olympic Christmas, me and my zipper-melting spouse are off to buy new swimwear and get our pre-trip-to-Cabo bikini-waxes, suckers…”
Easily, the biggest argument against this approach to celebrating Santa and Jesus’ collective b-days are those who will say: “…But, I like Christmas…I don’t want to miss out on the…[insert: egg-nog, family time, gift wrapping, watching the same movies once every 12 months, finding excuses to go out and “be merry” [get drunk] between Halloween and Black History Month …].” To this we say, fair enough. Enjoy pissing away your money and free-time. When we exchange stories about who had a better holiday in the New Year, Olympic Christmas-ers will certainly have a lot more tales about vision quests and sky-diving.
Let’s be brutally honest, this idea as a whole could save the entire fucking world: way less tension between families, zero obligations, carbon offsets, an eff-you to the corporate whores, and [a possible] stark decline in diabetes. Also known as, peace on earth, dummies.
So, lets do it! Lets make this year a Christmas of Olympic proportions. Go for the GOLD… once, every 4 years!