On the heels of what is seemingly going to be the biggest Olympic disaster of all time, the 2014 Sochi Winter Games, we have come up with some predictions that we all won't be very surprised by when they are broadcast across the globe. Enjoy watching the carnage begin to unfold as the games begin at some un-godly hour tomorrow morning.
Usain Bolt anchors the Jamaican bobsled team to victory, making the country and the ghost of John Candy proud.
Tommy Salo returns to Sweden’s Men’s Hockey team to aid them in an epic collapse against Belarus because he likes helping the Belarussian ego. Unfortunately, Salo fails in this as Belarus didn’t even qualify for the tournament. Salo does not get his flights reimbursed.
Vladimir Putin strong arms his way onto the Russian luge team, winning a bronze medal. He later tests positives for all performance enhancing drugs, but manages to cover it up by distracting reporters whilst cuddling jungle cats.
Frustrated with poor play from Carey Price and Roberto Luongo, Steve Yzerman calls on Elvis Stojko to play net for Canada. Stojko spin kicks Canada past the Russians, does not accept congratulatory phone call from Eric Lindros.
After unseasonably warm conditions melt all the snow near Sochi, round-the-clock flights are made to fly snow from the Himalayas to Russia. Climate scientists weep.
China, having successfully dominated badminton, pingpong, swimming, and short-track speed skating, fields an elite team of ski jumpers, sweeping the aerial skiing medals.
Canada doesn’t win the men’s hockey gold medal, prompting national handwringing, depression, and a 3000% loss of national ego. Drake releases a 7 minute music video of him weeping while draped in the Canadian flag, over icy electronic beats.
NBC recaps the 1980 “Miracle on Ice” a record-shattering 743 times, which works out to just over twice an hour over two weeks.
JayZ announces the launch of his own Olympics [aka. Watch tha Podium], with China as a partner; predicts games on the moon by 2050. Beyoncé upstages him (again) by winning the figure skating gold medal while dropping a new album synced to her ice dances, which goes #1.
In a push to increase the sappy-factor of its “Meet the Athletes” segments, it is revealed that NBC pushed the US Olympic team to pick its athletes based on the strength of their uplifting back-story. Needless to say, a lot of them are competing with broken-ankles and broken-homes. insert colon, starting-bracket sad face : (
- Ross Rebagliati uses the Olympic torch to light a bong, takes Olympic motto “stronger, faster, higher” to brave new heights.